Coaching Corner
Road Rage and Peace-Making
Note: Recently I had the honor to be involved with a group of mediators going through their Jump Start Action coaching group through the Mediation Marketing Institute. The following article was sparked by one of our coaching sessions.
Thoughts on being a mediator in all areas of life;
AKA “Walking your Talk”
As we know, it takes certain gifts to be a mediator and peace-maker. Pursuing a peace ethic in all areas of life can be challenging. Yet, if you’re going to be operating out of integrity, then you must be diligent in pursing personal growth. Ah, this can be a bit “touchy-feely” for many high powered left-brain dominant professionals, but I think it is a valuable pursuit. After all, the ideal state of functioning includes whole brain integration, where you have easy access to your analytical skills and your creative emotional insights.
It’s all about having choices. When we are in reaction mode, we aren’t choosing. If you find yourself succumbing to “road rage” for example, as was mentioned in our call, then you really aren’t in a position to choose a different response. You are reacting in relation to your primitive reflexes, and possibly some emotional contagion (See Daniel Goleman’s new book Social Intelligence, for more on this topic). Unfortunately, all that cortisol—stress hormone—coursing through your system is not beneficial to your health.
So what do we need? We need to have inner resources at our disposal. When we are stocked up on our resources (like having a full gas tank), we have the ability to choose a response instead of merely reacting. Our inner resources relate to our BASIC physical and psychological/emotional NEEDS. Sometimes our primitive reflexes become ingrained as conditioned responses as adults and we wonder why in the world we “over-reacted” in a particular situation. It can be true that your resources are fully available to you, yet your “knee-jerk” reaction is more powerful. There are ways to re-set the baseline, so-to-speak, if this is what you discover in your own life. The work of Dr. David Mumm deals with this element quite effectively.
At this point, you might be wondering which resources are low in your life. Check the basics out: Food, sleep, health, etc. Oftentimes you simply need to pull back on the adrenaline lifestyle to re-stock. Many of us are addicted to adrenaline.. Once you’ve checked that your personal physical resources aren’t depleted then check your environmental resources.
- Are you surrounded by people that believe in what you are doing?
- Do you have enough support in your life?
- Do you have personal relationship tension with a significant person in your life?
- Are your time and energy drained by tasks better done by a support person?
- Are you energized and focused in your work space?
- Are you feeling strong emotions such as overwhelm or anxiety?
We see that there are many areas in our lives to explore in regards to having abundant resources. Pay attention to the signs. Notice your re-actions. After all, road-rage or any other such response shows we are running on empty somewhere in our lives.
Our resources or lack there of definitely signal to who we are being in that moment. We all desire consistency and integrity in who we are as professionals, but people like counselors, pastors, inspirational writers and mediators can especially become derailed in this area.
Here are some questions to consider as you continue to evolve into who you are becoming (Reminder: this process continues until we die—nobody “arrives” and that’s it!)
As Keith J. Cunningham states, “The question is not what to do, it is who do I want to be?”
- Who do I want to create?
- What do I want to create?
- Who do I need to be to accomplish this?
- What skills do I need?
- Who can hold me accountable to reach my goals?
- What commitment am I willing to make to myself to be this person?
- What impact will my actions have on other’s lives?
- What action can I take right now that will be for my highest good?
To Peace!
Michelle
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )Coaching Corner: Waking Up
“Sara” doesn’t think she has anything to offer the world. She’s unable to identify her strengths and gifts. She’s asleep to her 17 year old self in so many ways. Waking up to who you are—who God made you to be—at your core it isn’t easy. We can’t just snap our fingers after saying “1, 2, 3 awake!” This isn’t a fairy tale we live in. But I wonder if we make it harder than we need to? Maybe sometimes, we could be like children in a fairy tale—open to wonder. Could this make it easier for us to wake up if we pretended we are children again to lock into that freshness of vision? Could we shed our skins of apathy, of nihilism, or despair? Can we even wake up without hope? Do we wake up to hope?
To wake up 1st we need to NOTICE we are asleep!
We walk around like zombies most of the time. Even if we are intellectually awake, we are not noticing what is going on in our bodies. We have blocked out the intelligence of our bodies. In the end, all this does is hurts us. Body centered movement such as yoga, tai-chi, pilates, and brain gym can help us wake up, but only if we want them to. As my sister summarized it, “using the body is like accessing the sub-conscious mind.” This powerful intervention, using the body to access subconscious and physiological dimensions in tandem with the conscious mind, is much faster than processes that only access part of the system. I have personally experienced this.
Of course, we can even be mindless and asleep during body-centered activities, not noticing what is happening. Since, we are thinking creatures it is important to connect the body intuition with the mind (an interesting site on physical/emotional intelligence, although I haven’t experienced their work first hand.) That’s one of the beauties of working with a program like Educational Kinesiology; it is an integrating process that wakes up the brain and body. I didn’t notice how much I wasn’t noticing until I took a Brain Gym 101 class (you can go to braingym.org for info on classes in your area). And waking up is really about learning—learning to notice and be aware.
We know how powerful movement is for learning. How do kids learn the first five years of their lives? Through movement, play and exploration. Obviously, this should not suddenly change with the entrance into kindergarten, but unfortunately with the recent push for “academic” kindergartens, children’s natural and most effective learning routine is stalled. Developmental psychologists and most educators understand the importance of movement to learning. It is developmentally appropriate as the saying goes. But movement shouldn’t stop with our childhood. Adults need to move to learn also.
Think back to college and all those essays you had to write. What worked when you had writer’s block for a big paper? What woke up your creativity? Movement! Professors recommended going for walk, jog or something to get the ideas flowing. And guess what? It actually worked. Now we know why! How dare we expect kids to sit through 6 hours of lecture a day with no time for movement and integration of the ideas being thrown at them? But, I digress…waking up is also a process of unfolding.
I think that after I started working with yoga and educational kinesiology, it awoke me to other areas of my life that were asleep. A friend, who is a spiritual director, turned me on to the enneagram as a tool for spiritual growth. I have always been into personality “types” and theories—not in the boxing you in way, but to understand people better and thus, relate to people more completely. These theories have something to teach all of us—even if it is just a tidbit. But, none of them were transforming for me—until the enneagram. Dealing with my unconscious motivators and what my “number” type is usually blind to has been most helpful. In fact, it has been a very hopeful waking up experience. At times, it was depressing looking at my blind spots, waking up to my weaknesses. But, for an optimistic “7” dealing with the nitty gritty is important to do. I would rather avoid the ugly parts. Waking up works though. Now that I am awake to certain things, I notice them and can work on changing. I have woken up to hope by way of the despair.
If you have ways that work for waking you up into the fullness and truth of life, email me (my first name AT TheLearningGround.com—this is for the autobots scrolling for emails…) or comment in this blog. I would love to hear and share your wisdom with others. MH
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )Coaching Corner: Tolerations
I’m starting a new section of this blog called “coaching corner” which will include entries that contain ideas I would tell my amazing coaching clients. This way I can be even more eclectic! Yep, that’s me, the eclectic enneagram 7…Now, on to our topic for today: getting unstuck
How would you like to wake up every morning exited about your day, full of anticipation of living your dreams? How would you feel knowing that you didn’t even have to be in stuck mode? You know what I mean by stuck.
You have been meaning to do (Fill in the blank) forever and just haven’t gotten around to it. It is hanging the curtains, getting that article written, going to the gym, starting that healthy eating lifestyle. It is whatever that exists in your life that you are tolerating. The late Thomas Leonard named these particular energy drainers in our lives tolerations because we put up with them either actively or passively. Just because you have tolerations in your life—undone projects, negative relationships, etc.—doesn’t necessarily mean that you are surely stuck. It does seem that if your toleration list is long that the sheer energy drain can throw you into stuck mode in another area of life. Could it be that because you are constantly putting energy into a toleration area in your life, you don’t have energy left for your dreams?
What is keeping you from living the life you want? If your resources are available to you, what keeps you from using them? Bad habits? Start some good ones then. Lack of time? Adjust your schedule. Everyone can find snatches of time here and there. Work with someone to uncover your hidden time blocks (a coach, therapist, friend). Lack of money? This is a big issue for many people. There are many programs and people that can help you change your spending habits and increase your income.
There are practical tips galore to take care of any area in your life. There is a self help book for any topic you can think of. But, if you do not change the belief systems that are driving your behavior, you’ll end up in the same old place after a while. One name for this is “limiting beliefs”. Once you deal with your beliefs that need to be changed—and change them—you will have a different life. (We will discuss limiting beliefs more in depth later on).
So if you believed that you have worth and should be lovingly taken care of—truly believed this all the way through your core—would you treat yourself differently? More lovingly?
I’m just asking.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )Thought Catchers
Thought Catchers
You’ve probably seen people hanging “dream catchers” from their rear view mirrors. Lately, I’ve been using my own twist on this Native American concept and using a “though catcher.”
Picture yourself, tired, overwhelmed, fighting the latest cold bug. Feeling great?
Your body is telling you that changes are needed, but if you mind decided to focus more on the current lack of the situation your body is probably going to cave. It will succumb to the cold and you inability will most likely increase. Have you had enough of this pep talk?
To stop the decline, get out your thought catcher. What does it look like to you? A big butterfly net? A trash can? Your mother-in-law? A spider web? Mine is a giant hand, lightening fast, that can hold a thought, crush it like a fly and send it away in the wind. No, I’m not generally a violent person, but I’m learning to be miracles with what does not nurture and encourage me!
Recently, feeling under the weather concerned noticing about finances and noticing all of the undone projects around my home, my thoughts were getting hasty. “You’ll never make it. What if he doesn’t get a job? You’re always fighting some health issue or another…” on and on. Except it didn’t go on and on. This time it was different. ONE thought came trying to create a pity party and I snuffed it out. Then I countered with an encouraging thought, talking to myself aloud. Things like you are surrounded by beauty.
God will take care of you!
You are gifted and talented!
You will make it!
Look at the progress you have made already!
You get the idea? Change your thoughts and you change your life. So create a thought catcher and get relentless.
You deserve it!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )
Interplay 